Sunday, March 26, 2017
May Allah S.W.T showers us with HIS blessings and barakah.

Time goes on like a sand clock which pass by in a blink of an eye. I cant even recall when was the last time I checked on the date of my marriage. It's nearing. I'm in my final semester and I freaked out. I did not know that it will be this hectic. To be honest, my parents organized everything from A to Z. Yes, A to Z. I did only 5% of the preparation. Mainly for the invitation card, the list of guests, fitting over and over again, helping with the hantaran and etc. But above all, my parents who worked their sweats off to make this possible. Just, for me. The stubborn daughter.

Bila diingatkan balik, memang saya rasa bersalah. Sebab saya punya contribution dalam financial part memang kosong. Zero I tell you. Iyalah, nak kahwin waktu tengah belajar. Tahun akhir pula tu. Apa kerja gila. Mana nak cekau duit banyak tu. Perbelanjaan pula menelan lebih kurang RM20 ribu. Gila kan? Saya rasa gila. Ikutkan hati, mahu buat simple sahaja tapi bila diingat, dengan tetamu lagi, dengan keluarga yang super besar lagi, the expenses are big. Tambah pula saya punya seorang Umi yang sangat detail orangnya dan mahu YANG TERBAIK buat anaknya. Berhabis duit dan mahu yang tercantik buat anaknya. Sebak bila diingat balik. Banyak budi dan jasa tak terbalas. Aduh, rasa macam anak derhaka pula bila flashback balik ni.

Satu perkara yang buat saya rasa sedikit tenang bila tunang saya waktu itu sudah bekerja. Jadinya Umi Ayah rasa lega sikit lah nak lepas anak dara dia dekat lelaki entah siapa siapa lah.

Let me remind you again, waktu ini saya di semester 5, meniti waktu untuk peperiksaan akhir. Berbaki beberapa minggu lagi nak bernikah, tambah pula dengan nak study, tambah lagi dengan nak siapkan assignments yang masih berderet nak kena submit. Argh! Those moments! Still, saya masih teruskan urusan harian saya macam biasa. Cuma pergantungan pada Allah tu melebih lebih melimpah habis dah saya rasa. Bermacam rasa yang bermain dalam hati dan fikiran. Rasa takut, rasa tak yakin, rasa "am I doing the right thing? Can I just end this thing?".

Okay to cut it short, when the date is getting nearer, I can say I RARELY texted my fiance, I just dont. I just say let's meet on the date and pray for the best. If he has anything to say or ask, just ask his mother to call my mother. I took a leave (students don't have a leave but this one is permission-granted kind of thing because of a valid reason, so I just have to write a letter and submit my assignment on time). I went back to Kuantan 2 days before my wedding day. With my beloved Farhany, we went back and had our own sweet time before the big day. It filled with tears, hugs and hopes.

I slept early that night on 24th October 2014. I remembered I put on a face mask and sleep. Tho I can't really have a good deep sleep (hey I'm getting married!) but, I managed to force myself to sleep and I eventually did. I woke up for fajr prayer and I get ready for the day. 

Finally, the day comes. My cousin painted my face early in the morning as the ceremony starts at 9:00 a.m. Antara memori yang paling meremangkan roma saya adalah bila my dear Farhany sat beside me and she read "Doa Rabitah". If you read the translation of the du'a, you will cry. It was beautiful and it really hit me hard when she says the prayers while I'm getting my make-up done. She said she cried. Saya? Bergenang airmata, tapi kena tahan habis sebab tengah make-up (Oh whyyy).

Fast forward to the ceremony. 

The living room was filled with packed of families and friends near and far. I just cant breath and my eyes were swaying here and there thinking what am I doing here and whats happening at that moment. I see him. I see my father sitting in front of him. I told myself, this is it. This is the moment. 

Sebenarnya perkara yang saya kesali adalah, bila saya sedar kurangnya masa saya dengan Umi Ayah saya. Seolah macam, I know they are there tapi saya rasa seolah tak habis lagi waktu yang saya nak bersama dengan mereka. Dalam sekelip mata saya dah nak diijab kabul and I will spend my life with the man later on. Saya rasa terkilan waktu saya lihat Ayah saya. I can see his face, looks so deep in thought which only God knows what.

Akad nikah sah setelah lafaz yang kedua. Kenapa? Bukan sebab pengantin lelaki. Tetapi sebab Ayah saya. Pada lafaz pertama, Ayah tak terluah lafaz yang sepatutnya. Seolah setiap bait perkataan yang perlu dilafaz tersekat di kerongkong Ayah. Tersekat-sekat suaranya. Sebak. Ayah menahan sebak dan airmata. Allahu. Waktu itu saya sedar betapa beratnya Ayah untuk melepaskan saya. Betapa banyaknya rasa dan perkataan dalam hati beliau yang mungkin tak sempat beliau luahkan pada saya, biasalah Mak Ayah kita ni bukan tak kisah, tapi tak reti nak meluah lagi lagi pada anak. 

Tok kadi tenangkan Ayah waktu ini. Lafaz kedua baru akhirnya Sah! Alhamdulillah. 
Saya menangis ke? Tak, saya tak menangis. Saya bergenang airmata masa lafaz pertama batal because of Ayah. Yang menangis beria tu, suami saya (ceh dah sah haruslah tukar panggilan kepada suami), teresak esak beliau menangis. Terbeban kot rasanya nak jaga saya yang keras kepala degil ini.

Everything felt so surreal. I cant believe myself. The moment he came to read du'a while putting his hand on my head made me realize that I'm not dreaming. I'm now a wife. A big responsibility is waiting ahead of me now. The list is endless.

Saya rasa momen yang buat saya sane semula bila waktu nak bersalam. Kekoknya Allah sahaja yang tahu. Bayangkan, holding a hand of a man yang I don't really know at that time memang rasa yang gila! But the moment I held his hand and kissed it, the feeling was so pure. Rasa macam Allah tengok, Allah redha. You know, that kind of feeling bila kita buat benda yang Allah suka instead of murka. That's the most priceless I think. Aside of me crying (like finally) when I hugged and kissed Umi Ayah, my in-laws, siblings and the list goes on and on. Habis make-up!

I can't thanked my parents enough for making it possible. They worked hard, they stressed out, the cash were stacked out from their account, and many more. O Allah bestow them all the happiness in the world and hereafter. Showers them with wealth and all the good things. I was grateful to all guests who came on that day. I thank Allah S.W.T for making it happened. It was a sunny bright day.

And so, my new journey begins. The reality of life.

25 October 2014. You will always be remembered. 
Allah S.W.T is the reason this journey started.
And I hope it ends for the sake of Allah and to be gathered again in his Jannah.


Monday, October 24, 2016
May Allah S.W.T showers us with HIS blessings and barakah.

I believe in handling all matters with the fullest dependence of Allah which I am sure that is where the barakah is. Jujur, saya sangat meletakkan pergantungan penuh saya kepada Allah. Sedang saya sendiri waktu itu dalam proses mengenali diri, memperbaiki diri, menyibukkan diri dengan pelajaran dan usrah serta program yang memerlukan diri saya dan masa saya yang sepenuhnya. 

After I gave him my answer, I gave him all contact numbers of my family members where approachable. My Grandpa, my grandma, my father, my mother and my sister. I told him to choose and decide directly with the family as I don't want any waste of time if he deals with me one-on-one. I learned to maintain my distance (which is hard because my beliefs in relationship is different than this one which I want it to be much more involvement of the family). Other reason why it is hard because I prayed and prayed for a relationship to start after the akad. It is soooooo hard for me at first! But I wanted something that will last (inshaaAllah) and to start a relationship which I can do so many things with my partner without worrying about Allah's hatred in a relationship with no purpose. So I set my purpose.

To get married to get Allah's blessings and barakah.

I told my husband that the highest hierarchy is of course my father but my grandpa is still healthy and our family will usually talk to him first mainly regarding on matters like this. 

After few months of giving him the contacts.

I got a call from my grandma saying there was a man coming to her house to meet her and my grandpa to talk about me.

That's it! He is serious. I let him do. I let him decide. Tho there were issues with my family and his family at first, but alhamdulillah everything went well. 

There were tears on the phone for almost everyday with my mother, my aunts, my close friends and there were other issues that I had to handle. Imagine having to handle so many things while studying. I do have my doubts back then when I thought of cancelling everything and just focus my study and future career but as much as I want to forget, Allah's plan is above all and I can't escape.

13 October 2013.

I got engaged. The first time he came in to see me which my aunt enthusiastically asked him to really look at me first before him and his family excuse themselves. I was totally freaked out only my cousins know how sweating my palms were!

Ramai yang tanya, dugaan sangat ke bertunang ni macam yang selalu orang canangkan?

Ya. Sangat dugaan. Apatah lagi tidak berkenalan/berhubungan. Terus diikat. Memang rasa mcm suffocated pun ada. Menyampah pun ada. Tapi itulah ujiannya. Nak tengok sejauh mana bergantungnya kita pada Allah dan terus menerus berdoa yang mana berdoa itu sangatlah mustajab sangatlah power. Kita je kadang tak berapa nak berdoa. Rugi tau!

I prayed hard and I studied hard. There were times I felt of cancelling everything and I still don't know how I managed to survive and be that tough through those times.

All I can say, banyakkan berdoa. Sibukkan diri. Sibukkan belajar/membaca tentang rumahtangga dan bermacam. Persiapkan diri sebaiknya. After all, be into marriage life is not a game where you can start and end whenever you like. But marriage is a lifetime commitment that we want to be long enough until Jannah. 

Sebab masa dekat dunia tak akan pernah cukup. Mesti nak bergembira bersama keluarga dekat syurga juga kan? 

Semoga Allah ampuni segala dosa kita dan letakkan kita semua dalam orang yang Allah redha.

The duration of engagement is agreed to be one year / two. Whichever comes first. 

What I did not know was, the date is nearing and I was preparing for my final exams. 

It's a nightmare. 


Friday, October 21, 2016
May Allah S.W.T showers us with HIS blessings and barakah.

Other main reason why I would like to be active in writing and blogging as one of the mediums, is because I would like to read it whenever I want to without worrying it gets burn, tear apart or any bad means. Because Internet, once we posted something, it stays there permanently. So be wise while using it, "klik dengan bijak" (okay iklan). Plus, it will be interesting if any of my family members can read and reminisce back about anything that I write. Especially my parents, my siblings, my husband and my son (when he wants to know more about his mother). Isn't that lovely? 

Saya memang suka berimaginasi perkara yang indah, perkara yang mampu buat saya sendiri rasa terharu dan bergenang airmata (sendiri buat diri sendiri menangis).

Marriage story with my husband is something that I have NEVER imagined. Why? Because I am married to the person that I don't really like in terms of who he is which I am wrong because I don't really know him by means how his family knows him. Boleh kata kalau nampak atau dengar nama dia, saya secara naturally akan mendengus "Oh, that guy lagi, boring and who the heck is he?". *note to concern this was me 8 years ago yang penuh dengan sangkaan yang tak baik, aduhh Nauzubillah.

I started my life in University in 2008, when I was 19 years old. I entered University a bit late because I was working after SPM which I dont intend to further study because I love my job at that time - A Personal Assistant to the Dean of Kulliyyah of Dentistry, UIAM Kuantan Campus. Who wants to let go of that position right? But I decided to further my study when my former boss, Dato' Termidzi urged me to further my study with one sentence only - "education is what will make you useful to other people who is in need". 

And so, I entered UiTM Jengka Campus taking Diploma in Office Management & Technology (OM114) , the code at that time. Quite famous course ni I'm not sure myself why but maybe because the course insist the student to always groom themselves to look neat and presentable as we are going to work in a corporate setting later on.

It was 2008 I entered the Campus. On 2009, the students are required to attend a programme which is compulsory for every semester in order to complete the Diploma. When I was in my 2nd semester, I attended the programme. It is more like a one day course to motivate you, to brief about what to expect in the working life later on. The students will be divided to groups which included varieties of students from different courses. 

This is the time where I met my husband. He was in the same group with me.

I noticed him but I don't really pay attention to him that much. Because I was with someone else (read boyfriend) at that time. I remembered that he wore a black T-shirt, jeans with a spectacle. Typical look for nerd student (kahkah). He looks like a Chinese and he does look like one.

The programme ends. So does the moment that I have with him during that one-day programme. No eye contact, no conversation made. End.

I go through my days like usual, study, exams, tests and so on. But because Jengka Campus at that time is not that big eventhough it is big but you will eventually meet the same person and I can say I can recognize the students from my batch. OH ya, my husband and I are from the same batch - 2008.

I did see him from time to time like bumped into each other at programmes, bumped into each other at 'bandar', bumped into each other with our friends and thats it. Sekadar bumped into with a simple waving or hye-ing. I do have his cell number at that time but I just saved it and had several conversations mainly on friends matters. Member punya hal and so on so forth. Then the number stays there for years of not contacting each other.

Completed my Diploma on 2011. Ended my 2++ years cintan cintun relationship. End.

On 2012, I further my study at UiTM Shah Alam for my Degree. Taking Bach (Hons.) Applied Language (English for Professional Communication). Had my classes, usrah, programmes. I took quite some time alone after Diploma because that was the time I was battling with my inner self to be a better me (hijrah). I packed my schedule with activities from dawn till midnight so that I have nothing to worry for the world and only care for my akhirah.

Nearing the end of 2012, somehow saya tersalah tekan nombor tanpa tengok nombor siapa. 

"beep, beep".

"Assalamualaikum". Rasa nak berderai jantung masa tu. Lelaki mana pulak ni angkat telefon. Tengok skrin NADZRUL NORAJA. Allahuakbar. Rasa nak pengsan. Bila masa pulak ada nombor dia lagi ni. Terkubur lama dalam contact list.

We had few chats on asking how are you and what are your updates. He said that lama tak nampak dekat Twitter dan Facebook. I told him I deleted all the accounts. And he said all the best for your Degree.

After several months

One day, he texted me asking about my status. Which means dah berpunya atau tidak. I said no. And he started tell me what his intentions was. I said give me some time to think and pray.

After several months from the day he texted me, I gave him my answer.